two

I can't even be bothered to reply to her, it's truly inhuman to have such a gender preference

Abandon the opposition with my mother, relinquish the struggle between us, and let go of the grievances and anger within that are too intense to even confront. Like many girls in the world, I will be an obedient, filial daughter, possessing a warm and pure smile, offering her heartfelt comfort in her times of fatigue and helplessness, rather than adding fuel to the fire.

The first poem I remember being able to recite is neither "Geese, Geese, Geese" nor "In the distance, two or three miles, four or five houses in the misty village," but rather "Last night's stars and last night's wind, by the west side of the painted building and the east side of the osmanthus hall, though I have no colorful phoenix wings to fly, my heart has a spiritual connection that understands you completely"

On the night of the graduation party, I confessed to Gu Ciyuan my original intention of pursuing him and asked, "Did you have any impression of me back then? I was wearing a bright red wool coat that day!"

I walked over with a blank expression and deliberately stepped heavily on that girl's foot. When she let out a deafening scream, I pretended to be surprised and said, "Did I step on you? My apologies, I thought I stepped in something unpleasant."

But I cannot do it. Every time I open that drawer at home and see the page in the household registration book, prominently displaying the name of a person who clearly exists yet does not exist in my life, those thoughts that were originally extinguished will instantly be rekindled.

The more I think about it, the sadder I become, and my tears come out like boiling water.

I feel that if this continues, I will eventually be driven mad, and then I will be sent back to that famous mental hospital in City Z, which is only a few hundred meters away from the nursing home where my grandmother lives. After visiting me, my mother can conveniently visit my grandmother.

However, after the waiter left, he showed me a smile as innocent and lovely as a sunflower: "Everything I ordered is the most delicious."

After finishing the meal, I insisted on not letting Gu Ciyuan see me off and wanted to return to my dormitory alone. Just as we were in a stalemate, I suddenly heard Gu Ciyuan greet me: "Du Xun, what brings you here?"

Gu Ci Yuan was quite straightforward: "OK, then you can be with him."

Another one is my boyfriend, Gu Ciyuan: Hurry up and come down, I'm hungry!

I was taken aback, no way! During high school, there was a boy who climbed over the wall during evening study sessions to buy her yogurt. After being caught by the teacher and scolded mercilessly, he still couldn't move her to accompany him to watch a movie. This is only a few days after entering school, what kind of person could make the aloof Su Junliang regard him with such admiration?

I unzipped his backpack, turned it upside down, and the books inside tumbled out with a clatter, splashing a rather spectacular spray of water in the pond

I vaguely remember that in the art of physiognomy, it is said that a person with such lip shape is emotionally indifferent

In the stillness of the night, everyone in the dormitory is peacefully asleep, and the only sound in the room is the faint sound of breathing. However, I am tossing and turning in bed like a pancake, unable to fall asleep no matter what.

Once, a boy's mother came to the teacher to complain. I stood in the office with an indifferent expression, which angered her. In front of me, she said, "Children from single-parent families lack discipline, no wonder they are so uncultured."

Gu Ciyuan was taken aback and quickly replied: "Burberry weekend"

I have been troubled by this matter for a long time; in addition to feeling extremely embarrassed, there is also a faint sense of heartache.

Nevertheless, I remained ungrateful. After returning home, I slammed the door shut with force, and alone, I held onto the blanket, crying quietly yet intensely

I do not know what expression is on my face, but Gu Ciyuan's face suddenly became very gentle, as if he had transformed into another person. In my memory, he has never truly spoken a kind word to me, nor has he ever looked at me properly.

I almost burst out laughing: "Please do not ruin my reputation, alright? I am not your girlfriend, okay!"

Great love, like great hatred, requires an outlet for expression

a long-cherished dream

I replied to her softly: "It's nothing much, just teaching you not to gossip about others' affairs."

I glared at him in dissatisfaction, thinking to myself, Gu Ciyuan, you bastard, do you even know what you are saying

I confessed to him for the first time, blocking him in the stairwell as he was about to go play basketball, and I said: "I have a crush on you"

Jun Liang has finished reading, Tang Yuanyuan has completed the painting, I have reminisced about the years that flowed like water, and another girl from the dormitory has long gone to the classroom to reserve a seat

I still did not look at him, and after lowering my head and letting out a soft "oh," I no longer knew what to do.

That was the first time Gu Ciyuan saw me cry. I did not shout or make a scene; I just quietly looked at him, shedding tears without saying a word. Originally furious, he gradually became flustered and his words became unclear: "Uh... that... am I being too much... uh... that... please don't cry for now... I'll compensate you..."

Throughout the entire morning class, I was resting my head on the desk in a daze. Although I appeared to be diligently studying, in reality, my spirit had long since left my body.

When we arrived at the cafeteria, the line was not long, but it was quite thick. I saw Liang Zheng struggling to squeeze out of the crowd with two trays in hand, walking towards Tang Yuanyuan, who was sitting nearby painting her nails. He almost asked in a tone meant to please, "There are no spare ribs left, would you like the diced chicken I got for you?"

I was at a loss for words, while Junliang pressed on: "I don't think he did anything wrong; on the contrary, I find it very manly. Do you expect him to shrink away and let that lewd man take pictures of you without saying anything?"

In fact, being bullied by Gu Ciyuan has happened more than once or twice already

Since then, I have not enjoyed eating sweets

As the myriad fallen leaves are swept aside from the surface of the lake of memories, the imprints etched in life are vividly presented before the eyes. The Shenzhou 6 spacecraft ascends, and the entire nation rejoices. Nearly thirty, the suddenly famous model Lin Chi-ling accidentally fell from her horse while shooting an advertisement, drawing the attention of all media to her chest. The large-scale talent show Super Girl produced Li Yuchun, Zhang Liangying, and Zhou Bichang, and many years later, they are still recognized as the top three Super Girls who cannot be surpassed.

At the moment we first met, his smile was profound: "Are you Song Chuwei? I have long admired your great name."

He did not deceive me; everything he ordered was indeed delicious. I have never acted like a lady in front of him, so I simply devoured my food. Therefore, familiarity has its advantages, and there is no need to put on a facade.

The most explosive news is perhaps the sudden emergence of Hou Peicen, known as Taiwan's number one beauty anchor, into the public eye, as the double J romance crumbles.

Later, Gu Ciyuan said that when he saw my panicked figure, he truly felt like a despicable bastard beyond redemption

Gu Ci Yuan snorted and said, "I am definitely a better role model than him. I would never let my girlfriend eat such poor meals. Come on, let me take you to Dou Lao."

The next day in the hallway, I heard a student from her class loudly exclaim, "Teacher Luo's eyes are both swollen from crying!"

The person known as father has disappeared

As soon as I close my eyes, the embarrassing scene from the afternoon involuntarily comes to mind

He, who always presented himself as well-mannered in front of others, snatched my umbrella and threw it into the trash can that afternoon

The raging fire of anger has completely consumed my reason, and I rushed over to deliver a flurry of punches and kicks: "You, the damn bun, I curse your sister! Who are you to meddle! I just enjoy being stolen from and photographed."

I have never seen Gu Ciyuan like this, resembling those little children in kindergarten waiting for the teacher to hand out big red flowers. On this scorching summer day, I couldn't help but shiver

After returning to City Z, I quickly forgot about her, whose friendship was rather superficial, in the familiar surroundings. However, whenever I felt lonely, her eyes, which were unlike those of a child, would always appear in my mind.

Although I am well aware of my confusion, Junliang still did not provide me with an answer

After nearly a week of anticipation, it finally became overcast. On that day, I was truly overwhelmed with excitement

On a summer evening, the sunlight is still quite glaring. Gu Ciyuan stands on this side of the westward sun, shielding me from the light. Due to the backlighting, his entire figure is enveloped in a faint golden glow, a layer of light that appears fluffy, making one want to reach out and touch it.

I asked her, why is that?

I had thought that as my best friend, Junliang would join me in despising Gu Ciyuan, but her face, covered with a facial mask, remained calm and expressionless: "It's not the first time he's kissed you, isn't this what you've always desired?"

What I cannot bear to recall is the year when I pursued Gu Ciyuan relentlessly

He sighed: "Be a little more refined; it's not like having this meal means we will break up. There will be plenty of opportunities in the future."

I followed Gu Ciyuan reluctantly, and along the way, many classmates recognized him as the impressive freshman representative from the opening ceremony. Some girls glanced at him and then at me, then back at him, their eyes conveying a message that could be described as "a waste of natural resources".

When I entered my third year of high school, I bought a red umbrella after haggling for a long time with the owner at the boutique near the school gate, ultimately settling on a price of 20 yuan

I have never seen such a boy in the past world; he cannot be described merely as good-looking. He has a very faint bluish tint on his chin, and his lips are quite thin.

Because he is handsome, his family is wealthy, and he is also my mother's favorite student, he is the best choice I have to annoy my mother

After asking, I just want to slap myself, what kind of situation is this

His eyes were clouded with a layer of mist, making him appear like a cataract patient, and his response was reminiscent of a meningitis patient: "I didn't notice anything."

Her eyes held a detachment beyond that of a child of her age: because we are all outcasts

Upon her reminder, I immediately recalled what Gu Ciyuan had said the night before when he escorted me home: "Let's have dinner together tomorrow. We will meet in the hall after class at noon, stay in place, and not lose sight of each other."

I must admit that I am someone who judges by appearances, easily deceived by beauty, shallow, and a fool with a short-circuited mind. At that time, he was waiting in my mother's office to process his transfer paperwork. I happened to pass by and saw his profile from the doorway, instantly captivated by his extraordinary looks. I turned around and told Junliang, "A very handsome boy has come to our school!"

But who can deny that he is so captivating, as if he were the only source of light in the dark night

I truly wish to put an end to them, they have no discernment. Aside from being wealthier than me, what else does Gu Ciyuan have that surpasses me? Am I not beautiful? Many years ago, when I was sent by my heartless mother to my grandmother's house in H City to attend elementary school, I was isolated by all the girls in the class for being too beautiful!

A year later, I left City H. I originally wanted to exchange addresses with her for correspondence, but she refused. She looked at me again with that mature gaze and said, "You will forget me"

I truly do not understand how she could come up with such a clichéd metaphor, but in any case, she acknowledged my perspective, and I still feel quite gratified.

I do not know if it was that incident that made Gu Ciyuan always feel guilty towards me, but upon careful reflection, it seems that it was from that time onward that his attitude towards me was not as harsh as before. Of course, from that time onward, my attitude towards him was also not as warm as it had been before

Therefore, even though Gu Ciyuan is so detestable and loathsome, I still continue to entangle with him

Junliang stared at me and said: "Do you know he transferred to your mother's class?"

Gu Ciyuan patted his shoulder and introduced him to me: "My brother whom I've played with since childhood, the heartthrob of the architecture department, Du Xun."

But my self-esteem has truly been hurt, so every time he smiles at me, I pretend not to notice

In response to Jun Liang's seemingly casual question, my reaction was like a volcanic eruption: "No! It was a forceful kiss! It was I, the one being forcefully kissed by that beast in human clothing!"

How many pairs of eyes are watching us around? How did he respond?

At that time, Gu Ci Yuan could summarize it with a line of poetry: "The person on the road is like jade, the young master is unparalleled in the world"

Damn it, I have never seen a dog with such droopy ears and tail in my life!

I arranged to meet Junliang in the lobby of the teaching building after class to go to the cafeteria together, but to my surprise, she actually said to me: "Eating with you, this girl, every day is so boring; today I have made plans with a guy."

I rolled my eyes: "Aren't you just wealthy? Do you know that saying, 'Easy to gain a fortune, hard to find a true love'?"

Unfortunately, my gaze held no intimidation whatsoever; he did not sense my anger at all and continued to speak passionately: "Song Chuwei, let me tell you, even if it were not you today, but a girl who is even uglier and plainer than you being stolen or photographed, I would still not stand idly by. Such scum deserves to be punished by everyone!"

I can no longer distinguish whether what I am chewing is strawberry, blueberry, watermelon, or mint-flavored xylitol, as I have done nothing all night and have spent all my time chewing on these things

This is the first time I have met Du Xun

I cannot help but exclaim that Liang Zheng is truly an excellent class monitor, treating his classmates with the warmth of spring. But why is he not as kind to me? Could it be that my looks are not as good as Tang Yuanyuan's?

In fact, I have never been willing to admit that I will always remember the first time I saw Gu Ciyuan; his appearance was like a beautiful jade

Junliang has always been quite picky about the boys she looks at, but after I insisted and dragged her to see him, she surprisingly said, "Oh, not bad at all. It seems that our humble school is about to produce a golden phoenix."

I, Song Chuwei, am a girl with self-respect! I cannot be bought with an umbrella that costs less than 400 yuan!

The girl is usually considered a relatively obedient student, but in an instant, her arrogance was extinguished. She rolled her eyes at me with a look of disdain and turned to leave. I took the opportunity to link arms with Junliang and shouted to those around us, "Stop looking, go back to class!" I then turned and re-entered the classroom

It is not that I am pretending to be reserved, nor is it that I hold grudges, but rather because I genuinely believe from the bottom of my heart that Gu Ciyuan may not even be clear himself whether he likes me or feels guilty towards me

The next morning, I was startled when I opened the drawer of my desk

After a while, I heard myself ask a perplexing question: "What brand of perfume do you use?"

A long time later, after witnessing and experiencing too many joys and sorrows in the mortal world, I finally understood that perhaps I did not truly resent her back then, but rather misdirected my anger.

I may be a bit unruly, but I have not committed murder or arson. Is it really necessary for you to humiliate me like this

But I don't think highly of you

After returning from City H to City Z, I became a wild child. I never sought confirmation from my mother regarding the rumors I heard from the gossips in the neighborhood; a strange sense of pride led me to choose an extreme way to challenge her and express my resentment

How beautiful that umbrella is! Ever since I bought it, I have been looking forward to rainy days, so that I can make a dazzling appearance among the gray crowd while holding it high!

My mind was still digesting the implicit information in his words, and before the conclusion could emerge, he put his arm around my shoulder: "Well, that's it, I have the final say."

Hmph, it's easy to speak without feeling the pain when standing. If I were the daughter of a high official, I wouldn't bow down for just five measures of rice; at the very least, I would demand seven or eight measures!

At this point, I was completely choked and unable to speak.

Indeed, every time I tell others that I was once isolated because of my beauty, no one believes me, including Gu Ciyuan

After reading that note, the discomfort in my heart was greatly alleviated. Later, one day, while accompanying Junliang to stroll through the department store and passing by Lapargay, I unexpectedly saw that the price tag of that umbrella was a splendid 399 yuan. At that moment, I completely forgot about the little red umbrella that had once brought me both joy and sorrow.

At this moment, I have decided: he is mine!

In a moment of excitement, I easily do foolish things; I couldn't contain the joy in my heart and, with a permanent marker, I boldly wrote "I love Gu Ciyuan" on that umbrella. Then, I happily opened the umbrella and rushed into the rain.

I turned back

Later, I left my grandmother's side and lived with my parents. They bought me a lot of White Rabbit candies. One afternoon, I ate a whole bag by myself, but I felt it was completely meaningless

Your family may be wealthy, and 20 yuan might not even be worth considering, but my family is not like that! 20 yuan is my breakfast money for several days, do you understand!

I rely on it! Those who know understand that when students majoring in broadcasting and hosting practice their vocal exercises, those who do not know might mistakenly think that they are mentally ill individuals with a wide range of thoughts or intellectually disabled children filled with joy

What I am unwilling to admit is that, apart from feeling that I have wasted twenty yuan, there is also a profound sense of grievance.

Junliang glanced at me sideways and said, "Yes, at the very least, it should be a Hermès handbag!"

In fact, there was a moment when I considered giving up.

When Gu Ciyuan entered my life, the gears of fate had just begun to turn, with the hands pointing directly to the year 2005

Thinking of my grandmother makes my nose feel a bit sour

I tilted my head to scrutinize him, and he also looked at me with considerable interest; however, I later realized that this kind of observation was based on a rather unequal level

She is both right and wrong in what she said

Every time my grandmother made me recite poetry, I felt like crying. Although there would be a reward of White Rabbit milk candy after I recited it successfully, if I failed to do so, she would hit my palms with a wooden ruler used for making clothes. At that time, it seemed to me that this was the most cruel torture in the world

I was contemplating how to alleviate the awkward situation at that time when Junliang, that dead woman, came over and whispered, "The first time he kissed your cheek, the second time he kissed your lips, this time, just go for a French kiss."

That day I was punished to clean the classroom alone. When my mother came to pick me up, she said to the teacher: "My daughter is here to study, not to work as a cleaner and do sanitation."

When I was young, the person I hated the most was not my parents, who were unable to care for me, but a poet who lived during the Tang Dynasty, named Li Shangyin

Even if you truly do not like me, even if you really find me unpleasant, no matter what, I am still a girl, and I have my dignity! What harm is there in you giving me a little consideration?

Yes, it is that Li Shangyin who wrote dozens of "Untitled" poems; he is the greatest shadow of my childhood

He carries a subtle fragrance, neither pungent nor obtrusive, wafting towards me as lightly as a feather, instantly enveloping me in a wondrous atmosphere

In order to vent my frustration, I deliberately shouted loudly as a large crowd passed by us: "Don't you just like boys? What's wrong with that!"

We occasionally still encounter each other at school, and he no longer avoids me as he did before; instead, he even takes the initiative to smile at me or greet me.

When he let go of me, he didn't dare to look at me at all. I kept my head down as well, even though there was a voice inside me constantly shouting, "Slap him, Song Chuwei, slap him to death!" Yet, no matter what, I couldn't lift my hand.

He scoffed, "You think too highly of yourself!"

And what was I doing that year

Sitting by the window on the second floor, Gu Ciyuan didn't give me a chance to order at all. He was alone, pointing at the menu: "This one, this one, this one, and this one..."

At that time, I was a transfer student, and since I was not only beautiful but also performed well academically, I was often bullied by the dominant girls in the class

What I cannot bear to recall is the year when I pursued Gu Ciyuan relentlessly

She cast a flirtatious glance and said, "Do not be too reluctant to part with me, go find your Gu Ciyuan."

The reason I chose the Chinese Language and Literature major is closely related to my excellent performance in the Chinese language. Even when my mathematics and English were extremely unstable, I was still able to maintain a leading position in Chinese, which is also inseparable from the pressure exerted by my grandmother during my childhood

I often argue with my classmates, and sometimes I even fight with boys. I have very sharp nails, and I frequently leave them with scratches that draw blood.

From beginning to end, I knew that Junliang had been observing my expression, but I consistently made every effort to appear unfazed.

I still did not speak, paused for a moment, and casually picked up a broom that someone had left behind after cleaning and threw it at Gu Ciyuan. Before he could react, I ran away at full speed.

The moment his voice fell, I was petrified

Junliang looks down upon my behavior, stating that it clearly exemplifies the inherent vice of humanity's fickleness.

Twenty yuan, a substantial amount

Time flows slowly, he said: "Song Chuwei, I have kissed you twice already. If I do not take responsibility for you, my conscience will be uneasy. If I do take responsibility, to be honest, I will be restless. Weighing the two harms, I will choose the lighter one. I cannot betray my own conscience."

Of course I know, if he hadn't transferred to my mother's class, I might not have even noticed him. I just want my mother to know, I want to embarrass her, so what?

Since I met Liang Zheng, every time I hear "OK" and "OVER," I feel like dying. I quickly pleaded for mercy: "Alright, alright, forget I said anything, let's go eat."

In the drawer lies a beautiful umbrella with a black base and white floral patterns, adorned with lace along the edges. Beneath the umbrella is a note, inscribed with six bold and powerful characters: I am sorry, Gu Ciyuan

That is already the end of the third year of high school, approaching the time of the college entrance examination. In order to fully commit to getting into university and to break free from my mother's constraints, I have also set aside my idle thoughts, ambitions, and romantic distractions, and focused on reviewing my studies.

I want to ask him, am I not a person? Why am I not given the opportunity to speak

Jun Liang, while applying a facial mask to her face, presumptuously said: "So, you kissed, right?"

When the class dismissal bell rang, two text messages simultaneously arrived on my phone. One was from Junliang: Wishing you a pleasant lunch time. I have no classes in the afternoon, so I'm going out to have some fun. See you in the evening

How embarrassing it was for me at that time, the whole school knew that "that overly flamboyant Song Chuwei was publicly rejected." What was even worse was that this matter reached my mother's ears. That night, she didn't even cook dinner, hiding alone in her room with the lights off, I had no idea what she was doing

All night long, I was lost in thought, not knowing when I finally dozed off in a daze. It felt like I had just closed my eyes when I heard Junliang chattering away in a bird-like language, ... such as "Eight hundred soldiers mark the northern slope," "The Cowherd loves Liu Niang, Liu Niang loves the Cowherd, the Cowherd loves Liu Niang in the Year of the Cow," and "From the south comes the big-tailed dog of his uncle's family" ...

This sentence completely shattered me, and I rushed back to the classroom, grabbed that boy's backpack, and jogged all the way to the small pond in the school, where I did something that left everyone dumbfounded

The air was filled with a tense atmosphere. A teacher passing by the corridor saw us two groups of girls standing in a confrontational manner and casually remarked, "What, are you going to fight?"

In the terrified gazes of the bystanders, Gu Ciyuan's state of extreme shock lasted only two or three seconds. Quick to react, he soon retorted, "Haven't you been kept by someone before? What does it matter? I don't mind you!"

However, at that time, I was not entirely without friends; the chubby girl in class who always wore dark clothes particularly enjoyed being close to me. She told me that her obesity was hereditary, and her classmates called her "Fatty." She did not associate with anyone else except for me.

After the atmosphere had calmed down a bit, Gu Ciyuan finally explained to me why he had struck someone on the bus: "I saw that bastard taking a picture of your chest with his phone. Although you actually have nothing to show, I still thought he deserved it..."

Even my best friend Su Junliang thinks I am so foolish that it is outrageous, and refuses to share an umbrella with me, let alone the person involved, Gu Ciyuan

Although I am very reluctant to admit it and do not wish to bring it up, Gu Ciyuan kissed me twice. This is an event recorded in the archives of my life, with many witnesses, leaving me no room for denial

I am not pretending to be a lady, but at that moment, all the blood in my body truly rushed to the top of my head. I swear, I genuinely had the urge to kill her.

Her eyes widened as she pointed at me and said, "Song Chuwei, what do you mean?"